#6 Splinters / Punk ass wood.

I have a serious issue with wood that does not want to behave. I seriously hope some of you are laughing under your breath about the fact that I will be saying wood quite a bit in this entry.

In most cases, wood knows its role. It doesn't try to fuck your day up and it stays out of your way. It holds you up, you live inside of it, you and wood usually just co-exist peacefully. Unless the wood is a punk ass bitch. 

Maybe you're thinking to yourself, "what makes wood a punk ass bitch?"

Well I'll explain it to you.

Punk ass wood is wood that goes out of its way to fuck with you. Maybe you're walking along a back porch in the summer, close your eyes and imagine it, its a warm, comfortable 75 degrees outside, there is a gentle breeze, you're walking barefoot and listening to Vampire Weekend while sipping on some Arizona iced tea.

 Then tragedy strikes. You step on the porch, and as soon as your foot goes down, you feel a giant piece of wood pierce your very relaxed, Vampire Weekend loving foot. 

You cry out in pain, "WHY GOD? WHY HAVE YOU CURSED ME WITH THIS BURDEN? I'M JUST TRYING TO ENJOY ICED TEA AND SOME MILD IVY LEAGUE INDIE ROCK AND YOU HAVE FORSAKEN ME BY IMPALING MY FOOT?" 

Well don't lose your faith in god just yet, but start losing your faith in wood. What you have just expirienced is some wood being a punk ass bitch. Similar to someone who tries to fuck up your day, this wood has gone out of its way to ruin a great moment of relaxation. And what do you do about it? You remove the splinter and go about your day, never once blaming the true culprit, your porch.

It is not your fault that you got that splinter. Don't beat yourself up, champ. Think of it this way, plenty of people have wood flooring, but do they get splinters? No. If wood floors gave you splinters, your life would be a living hell every time you walked into your house. Your porch is just being a fucking asshole and is OUT TO GET YOU. 

So how do you deal with this? There are a few options.

Option 1:

Torture the wood that has wronged you by sanding it down until it is smooth and docile. The best way to think about wood is to imagine it as a prisoner of war. You are keeping it in place against its will, and if you don't break it, it will only keep causing problems until it gets what it wants. Sanding wood breaks its spirit and lets it know that you are the fucking boss and what you say, goes.

Option 2: 

Get rid of your wood and find some wood with a better attitude. They say "If you cant be with the one you love, love the one you're with" Well fuck that. Wood does not deserve my care or affection if it isn't ready to cater to my every need.

Option 3: 

Ignore the problem. This is the worst idea. You are letting the wood win. Stop being such a weak asshole and just take charge. Prove that you are not going to be fucked with by a bitch ass fragment of a tree.

I hope this has opened your eyes to the power you have to put wood in its place, and exposed to you the true nature of wood. 

Excuse me while I go kick a tree and yell obscene things at it.