#4 Dane Cook's Career

I have nothing against comedians in general, so thats why I can write this post, because Dane Cook isn't a comedian, he just tells stories.

I have been known to tell my share of stories, some true, some outrageously false, but that does not make me a comedian, it makes me a guy who tells stories. Dane Cook thinks these are one in the same. And they aren't.

Lets go through some of the reasons Dane Cook is famous.

-He yells alot.

(Since our birth, things that are loud have captured our attention. Loud things are usually bad but can totally be good in the right context. If you find Dane Cook funny, maybe you like loud stories. Consider going to a library and picking up a few books, then have someone shout them at you. It will be a laugh riot.)

-He is a bro.

(Calling Dane Cook a bro is a severe understatement. Dane Cook is not just a bro, he is the king of bro culture. If you go to any college with a boombox and a Dane Cook CD you will instantly be popular and invited to keggers. Also, if you quote Dane Cook around bros, they will not only laugh, but join in and start quoting Dane Cook too. It's more of a ritual than a conversation. Singing the praise of the lord, Dane Cook is a crucial part of a bro day.)

-His name is catchy.

(Dane Cook is a name unlike most names. It is not only short, but easy to remember. I don't know many people named Dane but I'd like to keep it that way. Dane is like an unfinished name. Maybe his parents had an aneurysm while writing out his birth certificate and were only able to crank out four letters before they were bagged and put on ice. If Dane Cook's name was Michael Richardson or something traditional, people wouldn't care as much about him. A name like that doesn't roll off the tongue with the amount of douchebaggery and ease at a party when you're trying to make cool pop culture references.)

-He's dreamy

(Bitches love Dane Cook.)

(Thats all)

-He moves around alot

(Dane Cook cannot stay still. He enjoys falling down and dancing and running and jumping and most other actions that four year olds are fairly good at. We enjoy watching him for the same reason. If you dance around in front of a baby, it will think you are a comedic genius the likes of which the world has never known. The principle is the same.)

When you take all of these things into consideration, you'll find that if Dane Cook was not one person, he would be a dysfunctional family of gypsies

(as long as the gypsies have one attractive daughter and one family member who likes collared shirts and getting drunk)

which makes me wonder why gypsy familys are not more popular.

Oh thats right, because they aren't funny.

Which leads me to my next point...

Reasons why Dane Cook SHOULD be famous:

-He's funny.

Alas this is far from the truth.

So its time to do the world a favor and change careers, Mr. Cook.

Maybe you should be a chef, that would be ironic.

Or maybe a farmer.

But stop telling stories and getting more credit than you deserve.

I tell funny stories too but I don't have Comedy Central specials.

You fuck.