#5 Nosebleeds.

A little known fact about me and something I'm sure you've wondered about is, I drive alot. And the beautiful thing about all of this time in my car is that I have a bunch of time to ponder lifes great questions.

Last sunday I was on my way home and I felt a tickle in my nose. I did what anyone would do and prepared for the impact of an atomic sneeze measuring roughly 3,000 megatons.

And of course I did sneeze and when I went to grab the Burger King napkin to clean up the debris, I noticed that I sneezed so hard that my nose was bleeding.

And then it hit me, why the fuck should my nose be bleeding? Did I get in a fight? No. Do I have a nasty cocaine problem? No. I just sneezed. My nose must be a real lightweight because I'm fairly sure that noses are programmed to sneeze, so why is mine not man enough to take a sneeze and keep on doing its job of alerting me when things smell good or bad?

That is beside the point, because the real question is why the fuck do noses bleed in the first place? It serves no purpose other than alerting you that your ass has been kicked or you have a cocaine problem that you need to take care of.

The nose is the camwhore of the face. It turns red when its cold, it bleeds because of many different things, its in the middle of the face, and among other things, it sneezes. All of these things lead me to believe that the nose is an attention whore. It does everything in its power to try and make you notice its existance. And that is fucked up.

Just where do you get off, nose? Here I am, just trying to enjoy a nice drive back to my apartment, and you just come barging in, making noise and then bleeding all over the place. Just who the hell do you think you are? What gives you the right to disrupt my one man dance party in my car? You must assume you're Charlie Sheen.

It is safe to say that if Charlie Sheen came up to my car while I was at a red light, yelled, and was bleeding, I would be okay with it, I would even try to help him. I might also inquire as to how he wound up in this position, but only after I made sure he was okay.

Nose, you are not Charlie Sheen.

You can try as hard as you like but you will never be Platoon or any movie of similar fame.

Kindly fuck off and stop bothering me while I go about my daily routine.