#7: Mosquitos

This post is fairly obvious and I don't expect to surprise anyone by saying that I FUCKING HATE MOSQUITOES. I don't really hate them based on personality either, I am completely generalizing mosquitoes and saying that I hate them all. I have that kind of conviction at my disposal, and I'll tell you why.

Never have I come home to find a mosquito flying around and thought, "Oh good, I have a companion for which to play video games with and possibly enjoy a good book!" And do you know why? Because the mosquito sees me and thinks, "Oh good, I can annoy the shit out of this guy by trying to suck the blood from his veins."



Which brings me to my next point: Mosquitoes are good for ONE thing, and that is insulting people. Its easy to refer to someone as insignificant and a moocher by equating them to a mosquito. Without mosquitoes, I would have to explain why I didn't like people, while making them feel worthless, in a much longer process. So for that, I thank the mosquito for existing. BUT THAT IS WHERE IT ENDS, MOSQUITO. You've completely worn out your welcome in my life. If I were a bird, or a frog, possibly a fish or a spider, I would really need you in my life, but do you know why?

So I could fucking eat you.

Yep, thats right, your most important contribution to the world is dying. (Unless someone wants a disease, you are often there to help them out with that too.)



But you know what, I'll set aside my hate for mosquitoes because they spread disease, are a useless feeder animal, and try to steal my fucking blood, for one second to talk about possibly an even more rage inducing thing.

MOSQUITOES ARE FUCKING RUDE.
Do you ever ask a mosquito into your house? Do you open a window and say, "Hey bro, come hang out, play some xbox 360 with me, lets chill!?" No. You don't. The mosquito just invites himself into YOUR home, and then proceeds to try to take YOUR blood out of YOUR body. The mosquito has shame. Not only that, but the mosquito will explore your entire house at his leisure. He will fly around in circles and zip in and out of rooms and not give a fuck about your privacy. And to a point, I don't blame the mosquito for being in a bit of a frenzy, he/she is trapped in my house, which is not his/her natural habitat, and he/she lacks the ability to find a way out, but still, if I'm opening a window so you can get the fuck out, you could at least fly out, instead of going in the OPPOSITE direction while I stand there and let more of your mosquito comrades in like its some elaborate scheme to throw a mosquito house party.

Well I have news for you, Mosquito.
I am not letting you out anymore, I've become wise to your little game.
From now on, you have a one way ticket, aboard my palm, destination: the wall.

#6 Splinters / Punk ass wood.

I have a serious issue with wood that does not want to behave. I seriously hope some of you are laughing under your breath about the fact that I will be saying wood quite a bit in this entry.

In most cases, wood knows its role. It doesn't try to fuck your day up and it stays out of your way. It holds you up, you live inside of it, you and wood usually just co-exist peacefully. Unless the wood is a punk ass bitch. 

Maybe you're thinking to yourself, "what makes wood a punk ass bitch?"

Well I'll explain it to you.

Punk ass wood is wood that goes out of its way to fuck with you. Maybe you're walking along a back porch in the summer, close your eyes and imagine it, its a warm, comfortable 75 degrees outside, there is a gentle breeze, you're walking barefoot and listening to Vampire Weekend while sipping on some Arizona iced tea.

 Then tragedy strikes. You step on the porch, and as soon as your foot goes down, you feel a giant piece of wood pierce your very relaxed, Vampire Weekend loving foot. 

You cry out in pain, "WHY GOD? WHY HAVE YOU CURSED ME WITH THIS BURDEN? I'M JUST TRYING TO ENJOY ICED TEA AND SOME MILD IVY LEAGUE INDIE ROCK AND YOU HAVE FORSAKEN ME BY IMPALING MY FOOT?" 

Well don't lose your faith in god just yet, but start losing your faith in wood. What you have just expirienced is some wood being a punk ass bitch. Similar to someone who tries to fuck up your day, this wood has gone out of its way to ruin a great moment of relaxation. And what do you do about it? You remove the splinter and go about your day, never once blaming the true culprit, your porch.

It is not your fault that you got that splinter. Don't beat yourself up, champ. Think of it this way, plenty of people have wood flooring, but do they get splinters? No. If wood floors gave you splinters, your life would be a living hell every time you walked into your house. Your porch is just being a fucking asshole and is OUT TO GET YOU. 

So how do you deal with this? There are a few options.

Option 1:

Torture the wood that has wronged you by sanding it down until it is smooth and docile. The best way to think about wood is to imagine it as a prisoner of war. You are keeping it in place against its will, and if you don't break it, it will only keep causing problems until it gets what it wants. Sanding wood breaks its spirit and lets it know that you are the fucking boss and what you say, goes.

Option 2: 

Get rid of your wood and find some wood with a better attitude. They say "If you cant be with the one you love, love the one you're with" Well fuck that. Wood does not deserve my care or affection if it isn't ready to cater to my every need.

Option 3: 

Ignore the problem. This is the worst idea. You are letting the wood win. Stop being such a weak asshole and just take charge. Prove that you are not going to be fucked with by a bitch ass fragment of a tree.

I hope this has opened your eyes to the power you have to put wood in its place, and exposed to you the true nature of wood. 

Excuse me while I go kick a tree and yell obscene things at it.

#5 Nosebleeds.

A little known fact about me and something I'm sure you've wondered about is, I drive alot. And the beautiful thing about all of this time in my car is that I have a bunch of time to ponder lifes great questions.

Last sunday I was on my way home and I felt a tickle in my nose. I did what anyone would do and prepared for the impact of an atomic sneeze measuring roughly 3,000 megatons.

And of course I did sneeze and when I went to grab the Burger King napkin to clean up the debris, I noticed that I sneezed so hard that my nose was bleeding.

And then it hit me, why the fuck should my nose be bleeding? Did I get in a fight? No. Do I have a nasty cocaine problem? No. I just sneezed. My nose must be a real lightweight because I'm fairly sure that noses are programmed to sneeze, so why is mine not man enough to take a sneeze and keep on doing its job of alerting me when things smell good or bad?

That is beside the point, because the real question is why the fuck do noses bleed in the first place? It serves no purpose other than alerting you that your ass has been kicked or you have a cocaine problem that you need to take care of.

The nose is the camwhore of the face. It turns red when its cold, it bleeds because of many different things, its in the middle of the face, and among other things, it sneezes. All of these things lead me to believe that the nose is an attention whore. It does everything in its power to try and make you notice its existance. And that is fucked up.

Just where do you get off, nose? Here I am, just trying to enjoy a nice drive back to my apartment, and you just come barging in, making noise and then bleeding all over the place. Just who the hell do you think you are? What gives you the right to disrupt my one man dance party in my car? You must assume you're Charlie Sheen.

It is safe to say that if Charlie Sheen came up to my car while I was at a red light, yelled, and was bleeding, I would be okay with it, I would even try to help him. I might also inquire as to how he wound up in this position, but only after I made sure he was okay.

Nose, you are not Charlie Sheen.

You can try as hard as you like but you will never be Platoon or any movie of similar fame.

Kindly fuck off and stop bothering me while I go about my daily routine.

#4 Dane Cook's Career

I have nothing against comedians in general, so thats why I can write this post, because Dane Cook isn't a comedian, he just tells stories.

I have been known to tell my share of stories, some true, some outrageously false, but that does not make me a comedian, it makes me a guy who tells stories. Dane Cook thinks these are one in the same. And they aren't.

Lets go through some of the reasons Dane Cook is famous.

-He yells alot.

(Since our birth, things that are loud have captured our attention. Loud things are usually bad but can totally be good in the right context. If you find Dane Cook funny, maybe you like loud stories. Consider going to a library and picking up a few books, then have someone shout them at you. It will be a laugh riot.)

-He is a bro.

(Calling Dane Cook a bro is a severe understatement. Dane Cook is not just a bro, he is the king of bro culture. If you go to any college with a boombox and a Dane Cook CD you will instantly be popular and invited to keggers. Also, if you quote Dane Cook around bros, they will not only laugh, but join in and start quoting Dane Cook too. It's more of a ritual than a conversation. Singing the praise of the lord, Dane Cook is a crucial part of a bro day.)

-His name is catchy.

(Dane Cook is a name unlike most names. It is not only short, but easy to remember. I don't know many people named Dane but I'd like to keep it that way. Dane is like an unfinished name. Maybe his parents had an aneurysm while writing out his birth certificate and were only able to crank out four letters before they were bagged and put on ice. If Dane Cook's name was Michael Richardson or something traditional, people wouldn't care as much about him. A name like that doesn't roll off the tongue with the amount of douchebaggery and ease at a party when you're trying to make cool pop culture references.)

-He's dreamy

(Bitches love Dane Cook.)

(Thats all)

-He moves around alot

(Dane Cook cannot stay still. He enjoys falling down and dancing and running and jumping and most other actions that four year olds are fairly good at. We enjoy watching him for the same reason. If you dance around in front of a baby, it will think you are a comedic genius the likes of which the world has never known. The principle is the same.)

When you take all of these things into consideration, you'll find that if Dane Cook was not one person, he would be a dysfunctional family of gypsies

(as long as the gypsies have one attractive daughter and one family member who likes collared shirts and getting drunk)

which makes me wonder why gypsy familys are not more popular.

Oh thats right, because they aren't funny.

Which leads me to my next point...

Reasons why Dane Cook SHOULD be famous:

-He's funny.

Alas this is far from the truth.

So its time to do the world a favor and change careers, Mr. Cook.

Maybe you should be a chef, that would be ironic.

Or maybe a farmer.

But stop telling stories and getting more credit than you deserve.

I tell funny stories too but I don't have Comedy Central specials.

You fuck.

#3 Bump-its.

When we look back on the decade from later in life, it will be hard to decide what the most important invention was. What made life better for everyone? What invention changed how I looked at things and truly brought me joy? What invention gave me the volume I have always been looking for but could never achieve? And the answer to all of these questions is obvious.

The bump-it.
(now for all of you who do not understand what a bump-it is, I will provide a brief explanation.)

THIS IS YOU:

(it should be made aware that I used this image from flickr and it is entitled "sad girl cuz of luv") (seriously)

YOU ARE A SAD GIRL. PEOPLE ASSUME YOU ARE SAD BECAUSE OF LOVE BUT IN REALITY, YOU ARE SAD BECAUSE YOUR HAIR LACKS THE VOLUME YOU HAVE ALWAYS DREAMED OF. YOU SIT ON TRAIN TRACKS HOPING TO BE CRUSHED BECAUSE WHAT IS THE POINT OF LIVING WITH YOUR AWFUL HAIR?

This is your life, until one day, where you see an advertisement for a product on TV. This product is the fucking BUMP-IT.



COULD IT BE? HAS GOD SMILED UPON YOU?
You pick up the phone and call to order this product.
In 2 weeks it arrives in the mail.
You remove it, and install it deep in your hair, and finally...you have done it.



Congratulations, it now seems like you might have some disease where your bones didn't form correctly.

Now in all seriousness, I understand that the "poof" is a very popular hairstyle. I don't even pretend to think it looks bad, but ladies, there is a line. And if you order the Bump-it, you are crossing that line, and someone needs to say something.

You look ridiculous, and lets say for a second, some guy decides he actually finds that attractive, when he pulls you in close and runs his fingers through your hair, and feels a sharp plastic object, he will think he is either being Punk'd, or kissing a robot. He will then viciously pummel you, thinking you are the Terminator and you are just trying to kill him.

The moral of the story is, do not buy the Bump-It, or you will be killed for suspicion of being a robot from the future. Or, you will just look like you have an enormous tumor on your skull. Whatever floats your boat.

#2 Cursive.

Let me just say that this post is about cursive as a writing style, not Cursive, the band. Cursive the band should exist. Cursive the writing style has worn out its welcome.

When I was in second grade, I spent hours of my life learning how to write like some sort of a fancy asshole with swirly letters that look nothing like their lowerclass counterparts, and for what reason exactly? Here I am, years later, and I have not used cursive, to my memory, ever. And lets be honest, nobody born in the last 20 years even uses cursive.

Now some people may say, "But Josh, we DO use cursive! In our signatures!" And I will say, "No. Shut up." Because when was the last time I made a conscious effort to try and use cursive in my signature? Never. I just scribble letters that look kind of similar to my name. So if your argument is that signatures are cursive, I say no, they are not, they are a hybrid of chicken scratch, real letters, and accidentally bumping the paper as you sign it.

And guess the fuck what,

ELEMENTARY SCHOOLS AGREE WITH ME.

Thats right. Remember all that time we spent learning cursive? Well it is no longer a big deal in school anymore. Some schools stop teaching it all together. Go ahead and google it. I wouldn't lie about something serious and life changing, such as this. If my future son or daughter does not have to learn cursive, I will be pleased with the effect my blog has had on the world, because as we all know, I am famous and well respected on the internet.

Now I'd like to address those people who still write in cursive AND were born in the last 20 years. Please do not take this the wrong way, as it is only constructive criticism. You are a faux-sophisticated snob and you want the world to kiss your ass because when you write, it is swirly and often difficult to understand. Well guess what cursive writer, I am not going to kiss your ass. You are the kind of person who sits around and discusses obscure poetry with other cursive writers, as you sip cognac out of a giant class and wear fake glasses. Yeah thats right, I know you have 20/20 vision and you can stop pretending to be impaired.



And maybe you're offended, cursive people. Maybe you're thinking I'm just being mean to you for the sake of being mean to you. Well here are a couple advantages to your habits, just so we can see both sides of the argument.



Thats right! You can magically snap your fingers and make low-res images of the ABC's come up. Enjoy your talents, douchebags.

I'm going to go communicate people my thoughts in easy to understand printing and not feel bad about it at all.

#1: Stickers on fruit.

Okay lets be serious, there has to be a more cost effective and less sticker related way of going about this. You might think to yourself, "I don't really care if there are stickers on my fruit." but you are lying and need to consider therapy. The first problem with stickers on fruit is, it is vandalism. If I were to walk up to your car and put a sticker on it, you would be upset.

Well think of it this way, worms enjoy living in apples, we have seen it in cartoons for years which makes it true, and this is a scientific fact. Consider a worm's feelings when he is looking into living in an apple that has been discarded from a grocery store. He will obviously not want to live in an apple with some obscene sticker on it, he may be a worm, but he still has standards. This is why worms usually inhabit apples directly from the orchard, they see through the bullshit. It is also difficult for them to gain entry to places of business, but this is beside the point.



So maybe you're thinking, "Well that's great but I don't really give a shit about worms or their real estate options." Understandable, so you should keep reading because I'm about to change your life. Imagine this, reader: A world where no apple or banana or pear or other self respecting fruit has to be marred with a sticker. Its possible if we just stop being so goddamn lazy. By now you're asking yourself, "How can I right the wrongs I have committed, Josh? How can I solve the many problems of tiny stickers on fruit?"

I don't know how, I am not a scientist, I am just an inquisitive young man.

Let me also add that when you peel a sticker off of an apple, or other fruit, it sometimes leaves a little adhesive circle from where it was. This is similar to putting duct tape on your skin, and then ripping it off. Do you like that feeling? If the answer is yes then I would like you to please leave my blog right now. If the answer is no, I'd like you to seriously think about what you're doing next time you peel that sticker off of your fruit. Because all you're doing is torturing the fruit before its inevitable consumption AKA death. And that is fucked up.

Try to sleep tonight with that on your head.